How do I start over? As a full grown adult with nothing, and no one to fall back on. Abandoned. Used up and stretched out into nothing. Useless. Pointless..
And to then have connor tell me “you’re not worth it”
When enough is, actually….. Far. Too. Much.
My younger self would HATE me. Loathe me. Wish me dead. What is the point?
Why
Why cant I fucking walk away
Because I am worthless. I literally hate myself so much
No one actually cares about me, just how I can be of use to their needs. I’m always the friend or family member who will listen to what’s going wrong in their life when needed - but no one ask if I’m okay. And if I do somehow get a chance to talk about me, it gets spun right back to them..
I was always the one to give someone money, a ride, or clothes to wear (that I almost never ever saw again). I was never a gatekeeper, you like my clothes/shoes/makeup/perfume and I would tell you exactly where I got it or just let you have it.
I would stand up to the shitty guys my girlfriends would date; I was the friend you called at 2am because you need a DD, no questions asked; I defended friends from their bullies face to face; I encouraged friends through their anxiety to go to social events and never leave their side as support…
No one has protected my heart, or shown loyalty to me in a way that I’ve longed for my entire life. I have TOO many memories of overhearing people talk shit behind my back (one time even in my own home)
I don’t know why, but I have been so deeply alone, for what feels like since childhood.
I don’t want to do my homework. I don’t want to go to school/work. I don’t want to see my family. I don’t want to see my friends. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to have fun. I don’t want to get dressed. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to live.
It always comes as a surprise to me when I see myself on the screen, or read something that identifies me as a star.
I have an enormous complex about my looks.
When I was a little girl, I always worried that no one would ever love me, and that I would never find a man willing to marry me. My nose wasn’t pretty and I was terribly thin. I was sickly too, with asthma and quite miserable about my prospects… I was lucky I got off the shelf. —Audrey Hepburn
